I want to take the boys and just run away to somewhere where there aren't people who judge me, feel sorry for me, want to control me. To a place where Boo's presence isn't everywhere around me.
I mean who am I kidding, his presence is all over this house, everywhere I turn, and also embedded into the deepest parts of my being. He is in my music, my thoughts, my driveway, even my bed. I can try to lie all I want and say its fine, we're fine but he was my husband and I have to take ownership of the fact that good, bad or indifferent, the man I spent 17 years of my life with is gone.
I want to just kick and scream right out of my skin. I know I don't control everything in my life, but as of late, people keep forcing me up against a wall and it makes me just want to scream and yell and kick my way out and RUN. Go anywhere, nowhere, somewhere no ONE knows anything about us, away from this harsh reality of what my life has become!
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that people care and feel, it's just that I don't want to be that person anymore, the widow. My boys don't want to be the one's without a dad. I surely don't want people telling me what I should and shouldn't do or criticize my every move and definately not blame every choice/decision and/or mistake I make based on the fact that I lost my husband or the kids lost their father.
I'm not looking for responses/ I'm just need to get my feelings out there. I am literally one step away from burning down what used a fun house and taking my kids and head for the border!
1 comment:
Totally understood. I hear Canada is nice.
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