I called my mom. . . .

All of my life whenever I've been scared, needed prayer or was hurt . . . I would call my mom. She was always there with a quick verse to calm me and a prayer right away and then we'd talk. Funny thing, I recently had one of those horrific nightmares that felt so real that it paralyzed me and I tried for what seemed like an eternity to get out a sound and the only word that flew out of my mouth was . . MOM. Even though I hadn't talked to her in a few weeks, I stilled called for my MOM.

HOWEVER, My mom is getting older and it is almost sometimes impossible to talk on the phone with her because no matter how my heart and brain want to reach out to her, whenever I pick up the phone and ask how she is, I hear it . . ALL ABOUT HER. While I'm glad she reaches out to me, there are times I just really need her and don't want to hear of complaints and be given feelings of inadequacy as a daughter and guilt, I just want her to give me those soothing words and prayer like she used to. As I listened to her discuss all of her woes and hardships I wanted to scream, "MOM I NEED YOU, THIS IS ABOUT ME, I'M SCARED, I'M ALONE SOMETIMES AND I JUST WANT MY MOM!". Eventually she talked about me and my situation and prayed for me and was genuinely concerned, the problem was by then I was seething, frustrated and irritated, I just wanted to get off the phone. If her goal was to take my mind off from myself and my problems, she won and it worked, if it was to raise my blood pressure it worked. I don't think that it honestly was her intention to make me feel like a horrible daughter whose mom suffers so much and is alone and has NOBODY to help her but that's how I ended up feeling nonetheless.
At this time I was looking up to the sky begging God to let me be adopted, YES I know I'm too damn old to be adopted but I just wanted a brief moment with a "normal" mom, not a depressed, needy, complaining, sad, mom. My mom does a great job at laying on the GUILT trip pretty thick.
I know in my heart of hearts this was truly not her goal but heaven forbid should I bring it up and how she makes me feel, she would cry and cry, not just for moments but for days and I would then be burdened with another load of guilt. She is so frail now, her ego which makes her EXTREMELY defensive, her temperament which makes her cry and cry and her determination that drives her to do things no normal young healthy person would do, yet she does and NEVER waits for anyone to help and of course complains about that too! Sometimes I feel as if I have to treat her with kid gloves just as one would a child and I hate that because I need my mom to be a MOM!!
Growing up, my mom was never the one to give hugs or kisses on the forehead or tuck us into bed, she was not raised that way, hence her children were not. She never gave out praise freely, as I was a straight A high achieving student, her response to me was always as if that was what was to be expected. My mom was a clean fanatic, our house ALWAYS smelled like ammonia or bleach because she believed if it smelled clean, it was. She would iron our sheets, pillow cases and even my father's underclothes. She cooked on days before air conditioners in the hot kitchen for my father who demanded a fresh hot meal every night.
My mom was a strong amazing woman, who put up with over 20 years worth of loving a drunk, womanizer (my dad). When they divorced when I was 5, she had to learn her way around town, because in those days she only went to the grocery store. But she remained strong, nonetheless. So strong in that she took her six kids and left my dad the house to live in. Looking back I don't know ANY woman that would do that, much less why. She taught herself to go all over town in search of jobs. She worked, not one but two jobs most days and nights while my older sister made us dinner and my brother and I did the chores and our homework and I washed the clothes. My mom went to medical school in mid-forties and also worked as an adjuster at an insurance company. My mom was determined and driven to not let any man hold her back and learn and accomplish whatever she needed to in life to survive.
Oh sure there were years when we never really had meat on the table, plenty of carbs but no meat. One of my fondest memories from my mom was a day she bought a 99 cent Whopper and split it in four pieces for my brothers and her to share. She worked her fingers to the bone, never asking a dime from my father and never complaining or speaking ill of him all the while. She taught me strength and empowered me to believe that women at any age could do ANYTHING even with kids. She also taught me value, how to value everything good given to us and if ever we had ANYTHING, she taught me how to be generous because there were people out there who had less (hard for me to believe at that time) but she gave until she could give no more. My mom brought us into our belief of God at an early age and never faltered from her faith, no matter how hard of situation we were in.
My mom grew up dirt poor telling us stories how the blisters and corns embedded on her feet were from being forced to wear shoes way tooo small that her father would pick out of the trash as he was a trash man. But I tell you what, she was proud and stubborn and if all she had was a house made out of dirt, you can bet it was the cleanest dirt on the entire planet! She never really relinquished that poor spirit that she had struggled with all of her life. She carried it with us while we were growing up because she had to and now for some reason or another she doesn't have much since she retired and still lives and acts like she's in the depression era hoarding everything she can.
She raised 7 very high achieving, goal oriented smart children who are all thriving on their own, never having had her pave the way for anything. We never asked her for a dime because she never had it and we ALWAYS tried to repay the debts she paid in raising all of us, with every ounce of success we received. Now, however, she seems all too comfortable in this role and for some reason always seems to be going without, no matter how any of her children give her money and help her along. Its hard because its draining and wearing on all of us siblings because we all had to come into our own and most of us don't have enough for our day to day needs and take care of her as well because she raised us and went without all her life. One has to ask though how much of this is because of her OWN choices? Her sister has even had to have a come to Jesus talk with her about how much she expects us all to take care of her and that's the hardest part to wrap my brain around. It hurts that she goes without or to even think she might have to and yet everyone gives her poles in which to fish and outlets from her current situation but because of her stubbornness and determination, she REFUSES to live any other way. It is draining to say the least and confusing because parents are suppose to help you achieve what you are set to achieve and let you come into your own.
When she sometimes talks of when we were born and how she coddled us and cooed over us, I find it hard to believe because I've always felt as if we popped right out of her womb and began walking and went from there to cleaning and cooking. See my mom threw us out of the nest earlier than we should have been but it made me stronger, she struggled to make ends meet and it made me tougher, she VALUED every little thing that God gave her and that made me appreciative, she worked her fingers to the bone and it made me preserver and strive to be the best I possibly could, she had unwavering faith in times I don't honestly know how we made it and it made me believe in God. My mom gave up everything she had to people who needed it and it made me more generous.
While my mom was a far cry from a doting, baking cookies, PTA, girl scouts and soccer mom, she did the best she KNEW how to do given the training she received from her parents, I know in her heart of hearts there's a lot she regrets now and even with her phone calls and cries of woe, doom and despair, I know that somewhere she is there for me and is listening and wants nothing but the best for the children she raised the best way she knew how.
So mom I Love you, I forgive you for what you don't truly realize you did and I also applaud you for making me the giving, loving, forgiving, kind-hearted, strong, determined, driven, appreciative, God fearing woman I am today! I know now when we butt heads at times and don't see eye to eye it's because you raised me with the confidence and strength to be able to voice my own opinions and stand up for myself, just like you MOM.

This one's for you . . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJAKmWAIKcY&feature=related