I don't know which side it will end up on and am pondering which side I'll end up on as well.
See I often feel as if I'm two different people.
On one side, I LOVE people, meeting them, observing them, hanging out with them, chatting with them. However, on the other side, I like being alone with just me and my boys.
On one side, I am KIND caring, considerate and compassionate. However, on the other side, I can be prone to be a bitch, have melt downs and lash out at my kids or others close to me.
One one side, I don't like profanity, harsh or cruel words. However, on the other side, I have been known to dole them out towards my children on occasion.
One one side, I LOVE God and feel I have a very close relationship with Him and want to grow spiritually. However, on the other side, I can be wild, drink too much and do things that would NOT make Him proud.
One one side, I KNOW I don't need a man in my life and have great friends, great family and great kids. However, on the other side, when a man pays attention to me, is complimenting and affectionate, I soak it all in and forget my sense of self.
One one side, I MISS Boo being around and his contagious laugh and ridiculous outlook on life. However, On the other side I am glad I no longer have to be criticized for EVERY move/mistake I make and can raise the children without being told I am a no good mother or a bitch or afraid of making a mistake.
About 80% of the time I am the person I want to be but it's the other 20% that knocks me on my ass and makes me wonder if I'm just fooling myself trying to be that other person, the Good person.
Good Lord I hate sitting on this fence not knowing what side I'll land on at any given day. Why can't I just make the sensible choice and push forward to the Good side to be the person I want to be and never fall over onto the bad side???
Am I a two sided coin?? Or do I have a dual personality????
7 comments:
Ooohh... I think all of us has this inside of us. It takes a strong WISE woman to put it out there. I think the 'tettering' makes us who we are? And knowing this - then YOU can choice which way you want to go?
FM - It's pretty much a no brainer which way I want to go, the hardest part is figuring out I sometimes go the other way KNOWING it is soo not me or what I want to be yet I find myself there from time to time.
Just want to be true to myself
I know exactly what is wrong with you. You are human. You are also intouch with your feelings and emotions. Therefore you notice these things. Things many people would walk past or shrug off. But you are aware. You are learning and growing. And WONDERFUL. Don't you forget it!
OMG!! MI ~ I am afraid to tell you this!! You are normal!!! (SMILE) That sucks doesn't it!! ~ We all want to be 'edgy' but we are all just alike. I totally agree! Especially as I am pondering what I want to be ~ sometimes there are TOO MANY choices. On one hand I can write amazing pieces about God and angels, and on the other I can write stuff that makes the wallpaper melt right off the wall. It is a tearing....do I want to be "the good girl" or the "hot 'sort of good' girl" -- Decisions, decisions...I'll think about it tomorrow.
Re: Your post, go with your gut. The fact you are even having these thoughts is amazingly cool. That means you will figure it out becaue you are determined too! And you will be a wonderful 'mish-mosh' of everything! And BTW ~ you ARE a good Mother.
Thanks to ALL of you. I have been holding that in for so long. One thing I HATE and DETEST most of all is liars and carried the weight around me like a ball and chain, feeling as if I too was lying, lying to others and myself. Your words of wisdom are AMAZING. You took such a HUGE contemplation of my life and made it seem, well NORMAL and I've never felt that way about it. I am so blessed that I met you all and KNOW there is ONLY one perfect being and that is GOD himself! Now I can let this go and keep stumbling my way forward even though I know I'm going to stub my knee now and then. Thanks again to you all, I'm going to keep my eye on the prize.
P.S. I do have to say that Boo did/was amazing to me at times but also harsh and bitter and condemning at other times. He made me OFTEN question myself, my parenting skills, my sense of being, my beauty, my weight, my love, my sense of self and I have to regain who I am/was before all of that toxicity AND not rush into a relationship with someone else until I realize that. But it is soo hard not to miss/love being loved by a man and sometimes its not just love its the attention and affection and approval, while it may or may not be real or permanent it is a damn good feeling - truth be told. And as you said GG I cannot be a person to shrug off my shortcomings or mistakes and go with the flow.
All of these comments are true! You are normal and human...when I read your post, I thought that I am EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things!! Everyone has felt all of those at one time or another.
One day at a time...hell, even one minute at a time some days!
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