That song pretty much sums it up for me! It's been a while since I've blogged, mainly because I think I've been running away from myself. Sure I have been knee deep in other's crises but that's only part of the reason.
You see, when Boo got really ill, I jumped into Mommy/SuperWoman mode and haven't stopped. I've been running on high speed/numb mode ever since and haven't slowed down enough to deal with me, myself and I. I rose to the challenge vowing to be the best wife to my ailing spouse while scooping up the kids and taking care of them never having missed a beat, oh and work, hey that was another challenge but I tackled that nonetheless. Then . .
My mom had heart issues (she's okay now) but I dove right into that. My siblings had their crisis as did my friends and I ran right in as if it were a burning building and thought NOTHING of myself, I just kept going and going like the Energizer bunny, from one problem to another. Hell we women are able to leap tall building without running our pantyhose or letting our spouses, children go hungry or more importantly without clean clothes. People who know me know that this is what I am best at, in fact they call on me and often times rely on me because they know I'll be there with the net telling them to jump and that I've got them. That's just what I do and I do that knowing/believing they'll do it for me.
The Big problem is that among the midst of all these wildfires, I LOST myself. Even though my friends, family know I've struggled with trying not to let myself disappear and I've fought to the death to make it clear to those that have drained all the blood out of me that I'm still a HUMAN BEING and need them to recognize that, I still let myself vanish right out of thin air.
Now while the embers are still smoldering after the devastating fires my spouse, family and friends have left behind, I'm forced to struggle through the soot and ashes and find all the pieces of myself that I've left behind. Its so DAMN hard, Seriously, to find any remains of me left to piece together. It's so hard I cannot even begin to fathom someone would know what it is like.
NOW I am faced with myself and all of these people assume that I can come out of this wreckage, dust myself off and be fine. The truth of the matter is that while I may appear to be fine, I still have the smoke that was inhaled from the fires in my lungs and it is suffocating the hell out of me even though NO one can see it because I'm still on survival mode.
My family and friends are truly AMAZING and I know they love me and want to help, but what they don't realize is that I CANNOT be me right now (as crazy as that may sound its true). I can't seem to be one on one right now because it will force me to be me and I haven't been me for a loooong looong time. Maybe the mere thought of it scares the hell out of me, the fact that I may just break down in front of them and never be able to regain my composure (which is something I can't imagine doing) maybe that is something I'm not able to do or not ready to do. I told my pastor's wife I can't see her right now (I haven't seen her for about 5 months) because she will bring out the real me and I'm not ready to deal with that right now. See I can be everything to everyone else but just not me right now. Does that make sense or have I lost it completely?????
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