I, of course, seem by God's will to mimick a friend of mine's moods. She hit the nail on the head this time. I have elephants in my life too and they are larger than any other hurdles I've ever encountered. That is why I haven't blogged. I don't feel much like doing anything more than surface talk. I try to avoid them. However, no matter how much or who I talk to about my elephants it makes no difference, they do not want to budge, let alone go away and I am pretty sure my lack of dealing with them makes them want to stay even more.
I don't want them here, I don't like them and I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW, I've created them and made them as huge as they are and more importanly know how to deal with them but for some reason I don't want to deal with them. I can't make sense of it. See no matter what I do or do not do, they will remain until I learn how to walk around them and ignore them and eventually overcome them. These elephants are truly figments of my OWN imagination and no one else's and I am the one that has fed them to where they have grown out of proportion and again I know how to deflate them and I know what I am supposed to do and no matter what anyone says, it's me that has to deal with them, day after day, minute after minute until I either let myself get consumed by them or defeat them.
Whew. . . there at least I've taken the first step which is admittance. I ADMIT they are there, I ADMIT I let them linger and hell I ADMIT even feeding them.
Now that having been said, while I know all the solutions, it doesn't make it ANY easier. While I have so much love and support from friends and family, again does not make it any easier. Truth is the only thing that may MAKE them even tolerable is time. But I'm angry and confused and am so DAMN tired of giving in and taking the high road that I just want to run right over the SON'S OF BITCHES!! But that is not me and the me that is me needs to again learn to just ignore them and navigate around them so that I don't drive myself insane because truth of the matter is it's me that ends up hurt or caring, those elephants don't give a damn, not one bit and I am the one that let them run my house. No matter how many times I keep pulling myself up and trying to forget there existence, I still find myself getting sucked back in time and time again and it's DAMN exhausting, it truly is.
REALITY is, I have to acknowledge them and learn how to deal with them and eventually they will go away because that is the person that I am and was called to be and again the only one true person they affect or hurt is me so I need to go make peace . . . . make peace with my Mother and my Deceased Husband and be an example to the rest of the people in my life.
Therefore, Mom, Boo, I forgive you for all the things you do and did and mostly for the things you don't realize you did and how HUGELY those things have continually hurt and taunted me. I am me, I am a child of God, I have earned the right to make mistakes such as you am not perfect by any means. I am a HUMAN BEING with feelings and blood runs through my veins and I put my pants on just like you. More importantly I am a Mother and because of the two of you, I will make sure my children always alway always know the strong impact of actions and words and will try my damndest to let my actions and words reflect love and pride and self-esteem.
I have never intended to hurt you and have tried my damdest to do right by you. I love you more than you'll ever know! You two have been an amazing part of my life and I truly thank God for putting you in my life. I will and have taken the good, the bad and the indifferent that you have given me to swallow and am only asking that you do the same!
2 comments:
Well Shit. I should have warned you.
I haven't felt like doing much for 2 weeks now. I'm back to the forcing one foot in front of the other just to get through the day. NOW don't get me wrong...I'm happy...I just feel the strings pulling me down. The realization that my life just changed again. That I am embarassed. What is it with mothers?
I feel guilty even BEING mad. Do you? I have every right to be angry with my pitiful mother yet I feel GUILTY. WTF. Therefore I'm feeding my elephant too. My problem is I DON'T know how to deflate them. Is it forgiving them? Is that how you deflate it?
I'm not ready yet. Not ready b/c I haven't fully digested what happened. But perhaps forgiving is the end. I too am angry and confused.
How did you feel after making this post?
I feel/felt EXACTLY what you are right now GG, of course, you know that. I felt like this monkey kept hanging on my back nagging and taunting me! I hate/hated it. I kept feeling this tug at my heart and at my pant legs EVERY time I tried to walk forward. I'm happy too and like you am at a different place in my life and it's often the changes that make us reflect so much. I CANNOT even begin to express my guilt for being angry and my anger for feeling validated for being angry.
See no matter how many people validted it, it didn't make it easier as I've said in my blog. I did/do this and to myself at that. I have to forgive them to let them go, whether they intentionally or unintentionally do/did these things is neither here nor there, they did them, BAM they are done AND I can't change it NOR can I change them, I tried my damndest to change myself or to steer clear and protect myself from it ever happening. A life of damage control if you will. But it never helped it still happened and I'll be damned if it didn't knock me down every time. See you want to dwell in it just like I did, you want to stew and simmer and TRY to make sense of it and enjoy YOUR GOD GIVEN RIGHT to be angry becuase you are more that ENTITLED like me. But the truth is GG, it doesnt make one bit of difference what we do with it and how much we pick and chew at it, IT IS WHAT IT IS and since we are NOT that type of person we have no other choich than to forgive so we can let it go so that we don't let it eat at us and spill out onto our other relationships with our loved ones.
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